


The Real™ Shiratorizawa Team Chat

by sinnoh



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, also everyone just loves each other, also the couples arent official yet....except ushiten p much, but its nothing too bad, mentions of characters having mental illnesses, satori loves chaos, self indulgent fic bc i wanted to have some fun, send ideas Pleas, tendou the matchmaker, trans headcanons, tsutomus literally way too naive and innocent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-09-23 09:26:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9649676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinnoh/pseuds/sinnoh
Summary: taichai: the vibe I'm getting from this chat is that even though we live on campus, practice together everyday, and share the same classes together, we somehow still don't get enough of each other so u made this chattaichai: so we can talk to each other even when we dont see each othersatorious: i meansatorious: basicallyOtherwise known as, Tendou makes a group chat for the team.





	1. hayato makes minecraft lets plays

**Author's Note:**

> YEAH I WROTE ONE OF THESE THINGS bc im a sucker for chatfics because
> 
> a) easy to read (esp with my adhd) & very fun to write/read  
> b) i can write my headcanons in for every character in a way thats not stressful  
> c) NO PRESSURE FOR CORRECT GRAMMAR
> 
> so yea  
> also, just so names arent confusing
> 
>  **satorious** \- tendo , **semisweet** \- semi, **goshikkiminaj** \- goshiki, **shittybu** \- shirabu, **ushiwaka** \- ushijima, **taichai** \- kawanishi , **yamagotchya** \- yamagata, **reonking** \- reon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets do this shit,

_ _Wednesday, 6:30 pm_ _

_ satorious added semisweet, goshikkiminaj, ushiwaka, reonking, shittybu, taichai, and yamagotchya to ‘SHIRATORIZAWA CHAT’ _

 

satorious: HWATS GOOD

satorious: whats good i mean

shittybu: The fuck is this

taichai: why did you only add 8 of us what about the rest of our team

satorious: bc we’re the best Boys of the team amiright

taichai: not a boy

satorious: shit i forgot im so sorry i mean We’re the best Pals of the team

semisweet: not a pal

satorious: Shut the fuck up you dip dye your hair with grape koolaid ?

reonking: hey guys, lets watch the language. tsutomu’s in this chat.

goshikkiminaj: I AM IN THE CHAT]

shittybu: gdi

shittybu: Die

semisweet: hey be nice everyone 

satorious: are you our mom??

semisweet: tendou i am this close 

taichai: where is ushiwaka he could put an end to this

ushiwaka: an end to what?

shittybu: JFC you summoned him

goshikkiminaji: HELLO USHIWAKA SENPAI

ushiwaka: hello tsutomu

taichai: you can put an end to this chat 

ushiwaka: i dont see the problem with a group chat. i think it could be beneficial to our team.

taichai: i trusted you ushiwaka

yamagotchya: im trying to do fucking homework everyone dhut up

shittybu: *shut

semisweet: *shut

satorious: *shut

goshikkiminaj: *SHUT

reonking: *shut

taichai: *shut

ushiwaka: *shut

yamagotchya: FUCKING DIE

_yamagotchya has left the chat_

satorious: nO

_satorious has added yamagotchya to ‘SHIRATORIZAWA CHAT’_

satorious: NO ONE LEAVES

semisweet: what is this fresh hell 

semisweet: why do we need a group chat do i not see enough of you guys at our fucking 6 hour practices everyday

satorious: i made this chat so we could talk together as a team and share ~secrets~

taichai: secrets?

satorious: yeah yknow stuff that we normally cant do at practice bc coach is always yelling at us

shittybu: i see

shittybu: in that case, can i share a secret?

satorious: ye

shittybu: hayato makes minecraft lets plays on youtube

semisweet: no fucking way

satorious: kenjiro i love you

yamagotchya: IM GOING TO FUCKING KMS!!!! KMS!!!!!!! IM GOING T

goshikkiminaj: WHAT IS MINECRAFT

leonking: okay, since no one else seems like they're going to ask: tsutomu is there a reason you’re typing in all caps?

goshikkiminaj: I THINK MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK

goshikkiminaj: IM ACTUALLY WORRIED BECAUSE I NEED TO TYPE AN ESSAY AND I CANT GIVE MY TEACHER AN ESSAY TYPED IN ALL CAPS

semisweet: someone help this child

ushiwaka: have you tried turning your computer off and back on

goshikkiminaj: NO USHIWAKA SENPAI I HAVENT

goshikkiminaj: ILL TRY THAT NOW THOUGH

goshikkiminaj: BRB (BE RIGHT BACK)

shittybu: wow thanks for the clarification never would have figured that one out

taichai: the vibe I'm getting from this chat is that even though we live on campus, practice together everyday, and share the same classes together, we somehow still don't get enough of each other so u made this chat

taichai: so we can talk to each other even when we dont see each other

satorious: i mean

satorious: basically

satorious: i miss you guys when we’re not together

shittybu: thats gaaaay

yamagotchya: have you considered:we are all rather on the not-straight side?

shittybu: shit u rite

yamagotchya: i kno i am

yamagotchya: anyway i need to finish my homework so

yamagotchya: sea gays

yamagotchya: omg i meant *seeya 

taichai: no you didn’t

yamagotchya: shit u rite

semisweet: yamagata do ur homework

yamagotchya: OK BYE GN

leonking: goodnight!

satorious: speaking of homework

satorious: i need help with my math

satorious: kenjiro come to my room so i can use your hair as a straight edge

shittybu: kys 

taichai: lmaooooo

satorious: im just kidding omg

satorious: but i actually do need help can u come help me :((((((

shittybu: yeah i can just give me like 8 minutes i need to put on underwear first

semisweet: …….

taichai: …..

reonking: kenjiro, what?

shittybu: I JUST GOT OUT OF THE shower okay and i like to air dry

semisweet: literally could have gone my whole fucking life without knowing that but thx

taichai: dont u have a roommate? 

shittybu: yea but he's not here rn so im good

goshikkiminaj: IM BACK GUYS AND MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON WORKS AGAIN :D

satorious: then why u still typing in all caps coconut head

goshikkiminaj: it was out of excitement sorry 

satorious: ur fine hfhgdhf

shittybu: ok im about to leave my dorm to head over so bye

semisweet: be safe walking in the dark

shittybu: ill do whatever i want

semisweet: k go die then

reonking: im going to sign off too. my mom wants to facetime. goodnight everyone!

goshikkiminaj: goodnight ohira senpai!!!!

semisweet: night night

taichai: what did we do to deserve someone as perfect as reon

satorious: i dont know but im not gonna question it bc I'm afraid it’ll jinx us

satorious: anyway i gtg kenjiro’s gonna b here to do my hw soon so Lol

satorious: So bye bitches

semisweet: bye

taichai: eita r u hungry

semisweet: i mean kinda

taichai: u wanna make muffins in the dormitory kitchen

semisweet: …..that is tempting

semisweet: what kind of muffins

taichai: blueberry

semisweet: o fuck yum

semisweet: im omw

goshikkiminaj: :(

taichai: dont :( me, tsutomu. ur invited too

goshikkiminaj: :D

semisweet: tsutomu ill stop by your dorm on my way so you don't have to walk alone in the dark

goshikkiminaj: OKAY

taichai: thats gay

taichai: but so am i 

taichai: so hurry up my gay ass is hungry

semisweet: i worry about the safety of my teammates thank you very much

taichai: WHO CARES i just wanna make muffins pls hurry

semisweet: OK im omw 

 

_Wednesday, 9:43 PM_

 ushiwaka: i fell asleep, sorry everyone.

 

_Thursday, 3:28 AM_

satorious: guys i just finished watching clannad again and i cant stop crying

satorious: like holy shit

satorious: we have morning practice tomorrow too 

satorious: but i literally cant stop crying now

 

_Thursday, 3:54 AM_

satorious: still awake, tried to sleep, but its hard to when theres tears running down your cheeks

satorious: im gonna look fucked tomorrow lol

satorious: my face is already puffy

satorious: is anyone even awake at this time

satorious: also fuck u taichi and semi and tsutomu i want a muffin

 

_Thursday, 4:37 AM_

satorious: welp rip looks like im not sleeping tonight

satorious: hahahahaha what is self care

satorious: i stopped crying but im pretty sure its just because i got dehydrated

satorious: if i dont make it at practice tell my mom i love her

satorious: make sure my tombstone says something cool

satorious: at my funeral i want you to tie my body to a disco ball and throw a party

satorious: while i swing around the room lifelessly

satorious: so i can go out in style

satorious: i want to be buried wearing gucci sunglasses and a shirt that says ‘party hoe’ in glitter

 

_Thursday, 4:54 AM_

satorious: why do i do this to myself

satorious: its not even funny anymore

satorious: im trying to fall asleep but i jsut c a n t

satorious: i cant even get it together to go to bed like a normal person lol

satorious: :)))))))))

satorious: fuck

 

_Thursday, 5:02 AM_

ushiwaka: satori, are you okay?

satorious: my dude i wish i was

ushiwaka: you can skip practice if you didn’t sleep. performing without rest is dangerous for your health. you could faint or be injured.

satorious: wwwwwww

satorious: i dont want to make coach mad

ushiwaka: i can cover for you. just try to get some sleep so you can make it to after school practice

satorious: sjgfjdhdsjfhfhdfks

satorious: fiiiiiiine

ushiwaka: good. now try getting some sleep

satorious: ok daddy

ushiwaka: Dont do that.

 

_Thursday, 7:14 AM_

shittybu: jfc i told him he needed to sleep when i left his dorm

shittybu: he told me he only slept about 3 hours the night before

shittybu: im just going to personally confiscate his laptop before bed each night

yamagotchya: yknow thats not a bad idea

semisweet: has he been taking his meds regularly 

shittybu: im pretty sure he has

ushiwaka: he has, don't worry. i stopped by his dorm before i went for my morning run to check on him. i made him take them before he went to sleep

reonking: i can go check on him during break later and bring him something to eat?

ushiwaka: that’d be helpful.

taichai: look I'm concerned abt tendou’s mental health too but practice starts in fifteen minutes and me and tsutomu are the only ones here 

semisweet: nya im on my way rn

semisweet: *KYSI MEANT KYS HOLY FUCK

shittybu:[7:15:35 AM] semisweet: nya

semisweet: die 

 

_Thursday, 9:45 am_

taichai: wow i sure do love going to class smelling like sweat and dirt 

shittybu: um??? some ppl smell like sweat and dirt??? to cope????

taichai: shut it

taichai: but seriously i hate it when coach keeps us way after practice so we have to skip showers

taichai: bc no one will talk to me when i smell like this

semisweet: pretty sure ur smell has nothing to do with it

semisweet: its ur personality

taichai: ? i cant tell if ur being mean or not

semisweet: IM NOT hghhfhfhf i mean like. ur pretty quiet. it took you weeks to start saying ‘hi’ back to ppl when u first joined the team

shittybu: yeah you can be pretty stand off-ish

taichai: i am?

taichai: i didn't even realize

shittybu: i mean its fine. don't feel bad bc ur completely fine around us and we know how you really are bc we’re ur friends. 

shittybu: if ppl wanna think ur rude or something bc ur shy then thats their problem

semisweet: yeah don't even worry

semisweet: ppl probably don't talk to you because they're intimidated by you too bc ur attractive

shittybu: can we like, not be gay for two minutes,

semisweet: its in my blood

taichai: thanks guys

shittybu: np

semisweet: yw

goshikkiminaj: guys im getting my phone taken away because i forgot to turn off the sound on my phone and my teacher heard all your notifications 

 

_Thursday, 12:10 PM_

satorious: ily guys

satorious: but especially reon

satorious: also get fucked tsutomu

satorious: but no reon literally brought me a bento box, soda, chocolate ice cream, and this weeks copy of shonen jump

satorious: like

satorious: what did i do to deserve a friend like reon

reonking: it was no problem! you’re having a rough time right now. i thought i could at least try to make you a little happier =)

satorious: he even uses the cutest emoticons

yamagotycha: wtf im depressed too reon can you buy me lunch

reonking: sure! what do you want?

yamagotchya: f u c k

yamagotchya: i wasn't being serious please don't waste your money on me

reonking: its not wasting my money if its going to make one of my teammates feel good!

semisweet: reon ur such a good friend

reonking: thanks eita! 

reonking: seriously, hayato, let me take you to get something to eat after practice! what do you want?

yamagotchya: ahhhh i feel bad

yamagotchya: but uni donburi>>…

reonking: you got it. wait for me in the locker room after practice and we can go off campus 

reonking: you can come too eita

satorious: what about meeeeee

reonking: id invite you satori, but i think you need to go to bed early tonight

satorious: cant argue with that one

semisweet: thanks for the offer but ill take a raincheck. tsutomu has a test tomorrow n me and kenjiro are going to force him to study

goshikkiminaj: THANK YOU SEMI SENPAI AND SHIRABU SENPAI I REALLY NEED TO PASS

satorious: aaaand we’re back with the all caps hello tsutomu

satorious: i thought u got ur phone taken away

goshikkiminaj: sorry

goshikkiminaj: and i did! but i begged my teacher to give it back! i promised her id stay after class for the next week to clean the chalk boards :D

semisweet: my sweet summer child coach is not going to like the fact that you’ll be late to practice over this

reonking: its okay, we can cover for tsutomu! thats what teammates are for!

yamagotchya: i thought teammates were for helping you win a game

reonking: are you saying you don't like the added benefits?

yamagotchya: no lmao i love u guys

satorious: isn't lunch over 

semisweet: yeah but my teachers not here yet

goshikkiminaj: IM HIDING MY PHONE IN MY DESK

semisweet: tsutomu put ur phone away before it gets taken away again

goshikkiminaj: but i want to read what my senpais are talking abbfdhfgjdsdkireeirghdcvhcvvdsdsfdv vndjvdkvd s.za vs[s[d;vsdmv \

satorious: guys his teacher fucking killed him before he could even finish

ushiwaka: all of you put your phones away, please. we can’t be a team if we fail our classes.

reonking: sorry ushiwaka!

yamagotchya: ill see u all at practice 

satorious: while you losers go to class I'm going back to bed

satorious: semisemi come wake me up before practice pls

semisweet: fine

satorious: (´∀｀)♡

 

_Friday, 3:30 pm_

semisweet: satori where r u coach is pissed

semisweet: practice started at 3 

 

_Friday, 3:35 pm_

semisweet:  WAIIT OH G MY GOD I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO WAKE HIM UP

semisweet: I FORGOT

 

_Friday, 3:45 pm_

satorious: SEMI SHITHEAD U FORGOT TO COME WAKE  ME UP

semisweet: I KNWO IM SORRY HOLY FUCK

semisweet: IM SORRY

satorious: WHATEVER 

satorious: I FEEL SO BETRAYED

satorious: tell coach ill be there asap

semisweet: im sorry fdgdh

semisweet: ill tell him

 

_Friday, 8:48 pm_

shittybu: guys

shittybu: do you think the babadook is real

taichai: ?

taichai: obviously not

satorious: hes scary but nah

reonking: no?

yamagotycha: can i just say i don't care

shittybu: kys

ushiwaka: whats a babadook?

semisweet: its a monster

semisweet: from a horror movie

ushiwaka: oh. no, probably not. 

goshikkiminaj: USHIWAKA SENPAI SAID PROBABLY

goshikkiminaj: IMPLYING THAT THERES A CHANCE HE COULD BE REAL

taichai: wtf is going on

shittybu: we put on a movie to watch while we helped tsutomu study

shittybu: and now he's scared

semisweet: he thinks the babadook is real and its going to come kill him

goshikkiminaj: I DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO MY DORM

reonking: movies aren't real, tsutomu. you’ll be fine.

satorious: dont lie to the boy reon

satorious: the babadook is real

semisweet: _Satori_

satorious: but he doesn't just kill anyone

satorious: he only goes for 16 year old boys with bowl haircuts who's favorite food is boiled flounder

shittybu: _SATORI_

goshikkiminaj: :0

goshikkiminaj: I FIT ALL 3 OF THOSE CRITERIA OMG

yamagotchya: is he being fr rn

yamagotchya: like is this really happening rn

taichai: i guess it is

reonking: tsutomu, satori is lying. 

satorious: SHHHHH

reonking: it’s just a movie. you’ll be fine!

goshikkiminaj: thats what the mom in the movie said about the book but look where that got them! ;~;

semisweet: honestly guys its a lost cause

semisweet: he’s wedged himself between me and kenjiro

semisweet: and hes not going to leave

shittybu: this child is bigger and taller than both of us and he's got his face buried in the back of eita’s sweatshirt

shittybu: and hes holding my hand

yamagotchya: thats kinda

taichai: really cute?

yamagotchya: yeah

shittybu: yeah it might be cute if he wasn't cutting off circulation to my fingers

satorious: tsutomus basically the team baby awwwww

goshikkiminaj: IM NOT A BABY

satorious: shhh its okay baby

taichai: if tsutomu is the team baby what does that make the rest of us

satorious: well obviously we’re one big family

semisweet: the team baby weighs 150 pounds and is almost 6 feet tall

yamagotchya: eita is the team mom

satorious: YEAH

semisweet: oh great

taichai: i call uncle

shittybu: no way if anyone is the team uncle its totally reon

satorious: kenjiro’s got a point

taichai: fiiiiiine

taichai: reon is team uncle

reonking: thanks guys!

satorious: ushiwaka is team dad, that goes without saying

semisweet: so is ushiwaka my husband

satorious: LOL U WISH 

satorious: the story is that eita and ushiwaka married for tax benefits and had children together. but after three years of marriage eita realized how unhappy he was. so, in the dead of night, eita packed all his things and took the children, leaving only a note that said ‘i cant do this anymore’ along with his wedding ring. ushiwaka awakes the next morning to find the house empty and he falls into a deep depression over his children and husband being gone. he struggles to put himself back on his feet, but after attending therapy, he meets someone new. they begin to date and eventually get married. eita finds out about ushiwaka getting remarried, and although while he’s sad, he’s happy that ushiwaka is happy. he gets back into contact with him and rekindles a friendship so that ushiwaka can see his children. his new lover is completely supportive of his children and loves them as if they were their own.

taichai: jesus fucking crhsit 

semisweet: im honestly sorry i asked

shittybu: so who is ushiwaka’s new lover

satorious: well

satorious: its obviously me

ushiwaka: i dont understand. i’ve met tsutomu’s mother, and I have never fathered a child with eita before. 

ushiwaka: i haven’t had sex with anyone or been married before either.

ushiwaka: satori, are you telling lies?

shittybu: it’s just pretend, ushiwaka.

ushiwaka: oh, i see. 

ushiwaka: in that case, thank you for letting me see my children, eita.

semisweet: yw

satorious: ANYWAY back to the rolls

satorious: im ushiwaka’s new lover (￣ω￣) aka the team step-mom

satorious: kenjiro is tsutomu’s older brother

shittybu: if tsutomu was my brother id kms

goshikkiminaj: :(

shittybu: ugggghhhhh stop u know i don't mean it

taichai: can i be the cousin?

yamagotchya: i want to be the family friend that’s basically family

satorious: ye ye

satorious: ok this is good everyone has a role 

satorious: WAIT coach washijio is the crazy grandpa

ushiwaka: while i agree, i don’t think you should mention that to him. it might upset him.

shittybu: ofc it’d upset him the dude forgets he’s like 71

taichai: doesn't he still dye his eyebrow hairs

yamagotchya: YEAH AND ITS WEIRD BC HE DOESNT DYE HIS HAIR LIKE WHY DYE UR EYEBROWS IF UR HAIR IS JUST GONNA STAY SNOW WHITE

satorious: bec coach is swag thats why

reonking: its getting kind of late guys, i think we should head to bed. especially you, satori

satorious: @ me next time reon

reonking: i believe i did

semisweet: W/E tsutomu’s passed out on my dorm room floor now so im going to try and carry him back to his dorm

taichai: lmao good luck mom

shittybu: i have a test tomorrow so no bed for me hehe

yamagotchya: kenjiro

shittybu: lol

ushiwaka: kenjiro, go to bed. you won’t pass if you don’t sleep.

ushiwaka: everyone better be asleep before ten 

taichai: yessir

yamagotchya: gn gays

shittybu: night

reonking: goodnight!

 

 _Thursday, 9:07 pm_  

satorious: ushiwaka come tell me a bedtime story 

ushiwaka: okay.

satorious: Ｏ(≧▽≦)Ｏ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave me those fresh kudos it'd make me so happy tbh,


	2. goshiki bones shirabu and semi all the time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ushiwaka: as will i. everyone have a good weekend  
> satorious: why  
> ushiwaka: why? because i care about my team?  
> satorious: so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes im reuploading this bc it posted with the wrong date
> 
> also im so sorry u can totally tell which characters are my favorites when im writing (if u cant its satori, semi, goshiki, shirabu, taichi, and yamagata)

_ Friday, 7:27 am _

ushiwaka: everybody, i forgot to mention this at practice yesterday.

ushiwaka: but i had the vice principal approach me yesterday during school about some behaviors he’s observed from the team.

ushiwaka: and i’d like to remind each of you that pda is not allowed on campus even after school hours or during practice.

taichai: omg….

reonking: oh, jeez…

satorious: LMAO OK SOMEONE COME CLEAN

satorious: WHO WAS SWAPPING SPIT IN FRONT OF THE VICE PRINCIPAL

goshikkiminaj: whats pda??

goshikkiminaj: and what does swapping spit mean 0_0

reonking: pda stands for ‘public displays of affection’. so, like kissing your partner in public. most schools dont like to see it. 

satorious: AND SWAPPING SPIT MEANS KISSING LOL TSUTOMU DOESNT KNOW ANYTHIGN

goshikkiminaj: oh. i didn’t know!!!!!

reonking: satori, don’t mock him. he is the youngest of all of us.

ushiwaka: reon is right. also, no one needs to ‘come clean’, everyone just needs to know not to do it. 

taichai: my bet is on yamagata

ushiwaka: taichi, let’s not start.

satorious: rly? yamagata? im thinking kenjiro or eita lol

satorious: kenjiro bc its fucking kenjiro lol

satorious: eita mainly bc he seems rly chill when u meet him but i bet hes secretly kinky as fuck

reonking: satori, language. tsutomu is present.

satorious: lmao u acting like tsutomu isnt one of the ppl eita likes to get kinky with

goshikkiminaj: ,,,,what does kinky mean??

satorious: oH MY GOD

taichai: holy shit

taichai: protect tsutomu at all costs

reonking: you don’t need to know what kinky means, tsutomu. 

reonking: please don’t google the word either. 

goshikkiminaj: okay 0_0

satorious: well we can forsure say it wasnt tsutomu

ushiwaka: satori, don’t make this a big deal if it doesn’t have to be. 

satorious: wakatoshi this is the biggest deal ever

satorious: someone on our team was caught in the act of passion

satorious: and i want to know who

reonking: while i agree with ushiwaka, let me just clear my name first. it wasn’t me.

ushiwaka: reon, i trusted you.

taichai: it wasn’t me either. im too shy for stuff like that. 

satorious: it can’t be wakkun either i mean 

satorious: just look at his personality

semisweet: i just got here whats going on

taichai: scroll up

goshikkiminaj: i looked up what kinky means and now im uncomfortable ;~;

taichai: you poor poor baby

reonking: i warned you, tsutomu. 

semisweet: ok three things 

semisweet: 1) i am not kinky 

semisweet: 2) im going to kill you, satori, for corrupting tsutomu

satorious: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

semisweet: 3) it wasn’t me OR kenjiro OR tsutomu

satorious: but we’ve ruled out everyone at this point wtf

satorious: I NEED ANWSERS 

ushiwaka: no, you need to go to class.

semisweet: i lowkey agree with ushiwaka it doesnt even matter

ushiwaka: thank you, eita.

ushiwaka: anyway, this is going too far now. class is about to start, everyone. 

goshikkiminaj: but we still havent figured out who did it!

ushiwaka: doesn’t matter. 

reonking: i also agree with ushijima. ill head off to class now. goodbye!

taichai: i gtg too byeeee

semisweet: me too. tsutomu, that means you put your phone away now too

goshikkiminaj: okay!!! 

satorious: you all suck

satorious: also tsutomu’s such a tool

satorious: but whatever i have better things to do now like fail tests and cry 

ushiwaka: have a nice day at school, satori

satorious: yea yeah okay

 

_[ {private message between_ _satorious_ _and_ _ushiwaka_ _}_

 

_Friday, 7:45 am_

satorious: are we not going to tell them it was us lol

ushiwaka: no. they can never know. ]

 

_Friday, 10:58 am_

yamagotchya: yo guys

yamagotchya: so i was on instagram going thru the volleyball tag because i was bored and i

yamagotchya: found this omg

yamgotchya: [https://instagram.com/p/BQAtLHihpDX/](https://instagram.com/p/BQAtLHihpDX/)

satorious: found what

shittybu: ?

shittybu: thats us wh

satorious: THATS US

satorious: WHAT IS THIS

yamagotchya: theres like a shit ton of like... edited videos of our matches like this

shittybu: why?

satorious: we look so cool holy shit

yamagotchya: i think its just like volleyball fans?? making them bc theyre cool

yamagotchya: and since we’re a well known team we get used a lot 

shittybu: i guess so but like its still kind of weird

satorious: cant u just be flattered for once in ur life 

satorious: are there more videos pls say yes

yamagotchya: yea gimme a sex

yamagotchya: *SEC

shittybu: Gross

yamagotchya: [https://www.instagram.com/p/BQWa88cA-eJ/](https://www.instagram.com/p/BQWa88cA-eJ/)

satorious: awww im not even in this one

yamagotchya: yea this ones just eita and kenjiro and tsutomu

yamagotchya: but its still cool

yamagotchya: like we’re famous in (japanese high school) volleyball

shittybu: wow i guess i can die happy now

yamagotchya: sass me one more time i dare you

satorious: what if ppl like wrote fanfiction about us

satorious: like what if ppl wrote fanfiction about us dating each other

shittybu: no ones gonna fuckin write fanfiction abt us

shittybu: we’re gross high schoolers

yamagotchya: were not that gross

shittybu: i watched you drop a popsicle on the sidewalk once and you still ate it

satorious: thats not that gross tho 

satorious: 5 second rule 

shittybu: no he literally got on his hands and knees and started licking it off the concrete

yamagotchya: I THTOUGHT NO ONE WAS AROUND TO SEE THAT

satorious: oh my god

yamagotchya: I HATE MY LIFE

shittybu: mhhhhmmmm

shittybu: i gtg now 

shittybu: i have a test

satorious: good luck

shittybu: i dont need luck 

shittybu: i live off of raw talent

satorious: what the fuck

yamagotchya: this is why ur single kenjiro

__

_ Friday, 2:47 pm _

satorious: ehem

satorious: attention

satorious: yesterday, semisemi forgot to wake me up for practice

satorious: and made me late

satorious: so now it is my duty to get revenge.

semisweet: wtf

satorious: now, i didnt want to have to do this

semisweet: shut up

satorious: but drastic times call for drastic measures

satorious: so.... i present to you... semis jr. high pictures

satorious:  _ File Sent.  _ _ IMG_3847.jpg _

yamagotchya: oh

taichai: MY

semisweet: NONONONOONONONONOOOO

shittybu: GODDDDDDDD

yamagotchya: I CNT BELIEVE YOU HAD A FUCKING SCENE PHASE EITA

semisweet: GOODBYE IM MOVING TO RUSSIA

reonking: its not that bad, eita!

shittybu: REON YOURE LYING AND U KNOW IT

reonking: i know, but i dont want to make him feel bad. 

taichai: WHAT ARE U EVEN WEARING IN THAT PIC

taichai: UR HAIR IS FUCKING BLUE I CANT im cant breathe holy shit

semisweet: i WAS LIKE 13 GIVE ME A BREAK

yamagotchya: i can honestly die happily now. this is the best thing ever.

satorious: bUT WAIT

semisweet:  NO

satorious: THERES MORE....

satorious: _File Sent._ _ IMG_3848.jpg _

shittybu: HES WEARING A NINJA HEADBAND

shittybu: FRM NARUTO

semisweet: im literally packing my bags as we speak

semisweet: i hate all of you

yamagotchya: good lord

reonking: its okay, eita, we all have embarrasing things in our past. 

yamagotchya: i thought ur clothing style now was bad but HOLY SHIT

yamagotchya: WHO JUST WEARS A NINJA HEADBAND IN PUBLIC WHERE PPL CAN SEE THEM 

satorious: i think eita should bring back the nose piercings. iconic. 

shittybu: he looks like sonic the fucking hedgehog odnfhdhgdh

semisweet: GIVE ME A BREAK IT WAS MIDDLE SCHOOL I WAS EXPERIMENTING

shittybu:  theres experimenting and then theres... whatever the fuck you did

semisweet: i just wanted to be different Ok

taichai: wtf is even on ur shirt i cant read it

taichai: is it some american band?

semisweet: oh my god yes thats my botdf t-shirt

semisweet: i think i still have it

taichai: botdf ?

semisweet:  it stands for blood on the dance floor 

semisweet: theyre a band from the the US i think and

semisweet: you dont want to know what their songs are like

taichai: oh i think i do now

semisweet: no

semisweet: its fucking embarrasing and ur already making me feel Embarrassed enough as it is

satorious: I LOOKEED UP THE BAND AND DIM PISSING MYSELF LISTEN TO THIS

satorious: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DYqxbE67Fk>

yamagotchya: holllllly fuck

shittybu: GROSS

yamagotchya: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU LISTEN TOO 

yamagotchya: HOW IS THIS MUSIC APPROPRIATE FOR MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS HFHDH

semisweet: IT WASNT OKAY 

semisweet: MY MOM FOUND OUT I WAS LISTENING TO IT & I GOT GROUNDED

semisweet: i literally havent seen my ipod since that day

taichai: rip???? jfc

taichai: i cant handle this

taichai: how can white ppl say rap is so inappropriate when this shit exists

shittybu: <http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bloodonthedancefloor/screamformyicecream.html>

shittybu: WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THESE LYRICS

taichai: "Gonna cram it down your throat,  
Watch you gasp for air and choke.  
I'm gonna jizz all in your face!"

taichai: true lyrical genius

satorious: DISGUSTING

reonking: come on guys, don't make fun. im sure you all have embarrasing phases in your past.

satorious: yeah mines when i thought i was straight AND cis

reonking: when i was younger, i wore a cowboy hat everywhere because i thought i looked cool.

shittybu: thats not embarrasing reon thats just adorable

taichai: i dont rly have anything that embarrasing in my past

taichai: i mean, i did embarrasing things, but i never had an embarrasing phase or anything

yamagotchya: that just means your embarrasing phase is right now

taichai: does not

yamagotchya: does too

shittybu: did u even have any friends in jr high eita

shittybu: or were you too Misunderstood and deep for that

semisweet: kys

shittybu: i didnt hear a yes or a no

satorious: i mean you don't have room to talk kenjiro i bet u fucking studied all the time and wore braces

shittybu: ur laughing now but my teeth are straight so :)

taichai: things are heating up in the orthodontics fandom

shittybu: actually i had a girlfriend in jr high

yamagotchya: what the fuck

yamagotchya: how

shittybu: i dont know honestly she confessed to me and i was scared so i said sure

shittybu: and we dated for like 3 weeks

shittybu: and then i told her my mom was making me break up with her

satorious: lemme guess 

satorious: she wasnt

shittybu: ding ding you are correct

taichai: w0w you're so savage kenjiro

semisweet: i feel bad for that girl she probably didnt realize what a human disaster you are

shittybu: Hey. I might be a human disaster 

semisweet: .... and

shittybu: nothing im just a human disaster

satorious: lmao

satorious: im fucking hungry im gonna go find ushiwaka now 

satorious: and force him to come to mcdonalds with me

taichai: buy me something pls

satorious: ok what

taichai: i want a McWill To Live

semisweet: r u ok taichi

taichai: no. are any of us

semisweet: tbh no

taichai: thats what i thought

satorious: taichi for real though do you want something i have 6 dollars. u can order off the dollar menu

taichai: naaahhhhh im good

satorious: alrighty then 

satorious: im gonna go now Byeeeee

shittybu: bye nerd

taichai: yamagata do u wanna go with me to get foooooood

yamagotchya: uhhh im doing homework

yamagotchya: but sure

yamagotchya: where u wanna go

shittybu: doing homework on friday night alone? Thats sad

taichai: lets just go to the convenience store 

yamagotchya: alright ill meet u at the school gates

semisweet: thanks guys id love to come too

taichai: hgdgh you can come sorry 

shittybu: ?

taichai: you too kenjiro

shittybu: yea thats what i thought

yamagotchya: alright we'll meet at the school gates at 3:30 

yamagotchya: dont be late

shittybu: im going to do whatever i want, but ok

_ Friday 5:49 pm _

satorious: guys lets do something this weekend

ushiwaka: alright. how about we do an extra practice on sunday?

satorious: ushiwaka i love u but thats not what i meant at all

ushiwaka: oh, alright. i love you too.

shittybu: u wanna do something

shittybu: like what

satorious: idk? maybe we could. go somewhere fun

goshikkiminaj: lets go to the park!!! 

shittybu: the park isnt fun wtf

yamagotchya: who the fuck goes to the park to have fun

yamagotchya: WILLINGLY

satorious: i dont want to go to the PARK TSUTOMU WTF!!!!

satorious: HOW COME THATS UR DEFINITION OF #FUN

goshikkiminaj: UR MAKING ME FEEL BAD it was just a suggestion

satorious: it was a TERRIBLE suggestion

semisweet: sorry im here now

semisweet: we could go to the mall

shittybu: lol with what money

ushiwaka: i have to agree with kenjiro, i don't have any cash to spend at the mall.

satorious: i was thinking more like a movie

satorious: like??

ushiwaka: a movie sounds fun

satorious: !!! yes

semisweet: yea i guess so

semisweet: what can we see

satorious: fifty shades darker

shittybu: no

ushiwaka: satori, no

satorious: SATORI YES

goshikkiminaj: whats that?

semisweet: No ONE TELL HIM 

goshikkiminaj: WHY CAN I NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT

taichai: its bc you thought a blowjob was literally someone blowdrying ur hair

taichai: too innocent for your own good

semisweet: nothing R rated okay

satorious: ugh

satorious: i hate this family but okay

ushiwaka: a kids movie would probably be for the best.

goshikkiminaj: im not a kid though!!! 

goshikkiminaj: plus i already saw all the kids movies in theatres

satorious: THIS IS WHY WE PICK ON U TSUTOMU U CANT JUST SAY STUFF LIKE THAT 

satorious: AND NOT EXPECT ME TO LAUGH

goshikkiminaj: :(

shittybu: we could see a dogs purpose

shittybu: the movie about dogs

ushiwaka: what a wonderful idea. i love dogs. 

yamagotchya: that sounds good

satorious: DOG MOVIE SOUNDS GREAT

satorious: tsutomu ur not scared of dogs are you lol

goshikkiminaj: actually....

satorious: KYS

semisweet: leave him alone ok he's a good kid

goshikkiminaj: i got bit in the face by a poodle when i was little :(

satorious: shut up

taichai: so were gonna see the dog movie????

yamagotchya: yesssss

yamagotchya: someone be sure to tell reon okay

shittybu: yeah where has he been all day wtf

ushiwaka: he's just busy. im sure he'll be free this weekend

satorious: everyone wear BIG CLOTHES

goshikkiminaj: why?>????

satorious: so we can sneak SNACKS

goshikkiminaj: oh. okay!!

satorious: semisemi 

semisweet: what

satorious: if i bought a watermelon would you help me sneak it in

ushiwaka: satori, i don't think you can sneak a watermelon into a movie theatre.

satorious: yes you can

satorious: if you pretend to be pregnant

yamagotchya: jfc

semisweet: i am not doing that

satorious: WHY NOT

satorious: ITS GENIUS

shittybu: no its not wtf

shittybu: you'd just get watermelon juice everywhere

satorious: shut up you look like a troll

shittybu: AST LEAST PPL LIKE TROLLS

satorious: YOU WANNA GO

semisweet: ANYWAY IM NOT doing that i dont want to pretend to be pregnant

satorious: :((((

satorious: W/E UR LAME

satorious: i bet tsutomu would do it if i asked he'll do anything

goshikkiminaj: i will?

semisweet: no you wont

satorious: yes you will

taichai: dont do this to the poor boy

goshikkiminaj: isnt it illegal to sneak snacks in?

ushiwaka: it is, but a lot of people do it anyway. 

shittybu: satori no ones going to duct tape a fruit to their stomach

shittybu: its unsanitary and gross

satorious: FINE YOU ALL SUCK

semisweet: can someone help me pick out clothes to wear this weekend

yamagotchya: why lmao cant you dress urself

shittybu: No he cant

satorious: semisemi is blind af when it comes to fashion

satorious: its tragic

semisweet: ITS NOT THAT BAD

shittybu: you unironically wore sandels and socks together

shittybu: like

semisweet: this is homophobia leave me alone

shittybu: stfu ill help you pick out clothes so dont get uppity

taichai: help him pick out clothes or help him out of his clothes amiright

yamagotchya: ohoho u right

shittybu: SHUT UP IM JUST TRYING TO BE NICE

goshikkiminaj: why does semi senpai need help getting out of his clothes??? is he hurt??

goshikkiminaj: i can help him out of his clothes!!

satorious: TSUTOMU.........

yamagotchya: HE LITERALLY JUST WALKED HIMSELF RIGHT INTO THAT

goshikkiminaj: what???? 

goshikkiminaj: I JUST WANT TO BE HELPFUL

semisweet: tsutomu u cnaT JUST SAY STUFF LIKE THAT

goshikkiminaj: why???????

satorious: BC IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANNA BONE SEMISEMI

goshikkiminaj: but i bone with semi senpai all the time!

taichai: W H A T

shittybu: WAIT WHAT

semisweet: whHH

semisweet: i HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT WE NEVER 

goshikkiminaj: ??? yes we did! we even boned with shirabu senpai last night!

satorious: JFJGDKHGHDKFGHKDFGHJ

yamagotchya: SO IS THAT WHAT YA'LL DO WHEN UR STUDYING

satorious: KINKY AS FUCK!!!!!!

shittybu: W H A  T 

_semisweet has left the chat_

satorious: NO ONE LEAVES

_satorious has added semisweet to 'SHIRATORIZAWA CHAT'_

semisweet: I WANT TO DIE

ushiwaka: tsutomu, this chat is not the place to be talking about your sexual endeavors

goshikkiminaj: ????

goshikkiminaj: im not!?

yamagotchya: TSUTOMU WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS TO BONE SOMEONE

goshikkiminaj: the dictionary said it means to study! and i study with semi senpai and shirabu senpai all the time!

taichai: oh nOOOOOOOO

taichai: HES SO INNOCENTTTTT

ushiwaka: to bone someone is a common phrase meaning to have sex with someone.

ushiwaka: and you were mistakingly using it, and it seemed like you were claiming to have had sex with eita and kenjiro

goshikkiminaj: oh

goshikkiminaj: oh no.....

shittybu: fuckcing bye 

satorious: gys si cant breath i literlaly think img oing to throw up

satorious: thts howo hard im laughign

goshikkiminaj: IM SORRY IM REALLY EMBARRASSED NOW! IVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH ANYONE! I PROMISE

semisweet: its okay just. please... ask me if you dont understand something

semisweet: my heart cant take much more of this

shittybu: neither can mine

ushiwaka: i think we've all had enough excitement for today.

ushiwaka: why don't we all just sign off and we can see each other at the movies on sunday.

semisweet: agree

goshikkiminaj: OKAY.....

ushiwaka: use this time to finish up all your homework and studying that's due the next week. we have a heavy week of practice ahead of us.

satorious: yah and semisemi, kenjiro, and tsutomu remember to practice safe sex and use condoms and plenty of lube ♡

_semisweet has left the chat_

_shittybu has left the chat_

_goshikkiminaj has left the chat_

ushiwaka: satori....

satorious: SORRY I COULDNT HELP MYSELF

yamagotchya: ur never gonna let them live that down are u

satorious: not until god personally comes down to fucking smite me okay

taichai: i thought no one was allowed to leave the chat

satorious: no one is

satorious: but they seem legit rly embarrased so im going to add them back later after they calm down

satorious: im cruel but im not that cruel

yamagotchya: tru

yamagotchya: anyway ill see u all sunday for DOG MOVIE

taichai: yessss

ushiwaka: as will i. everyone have a good weekend

satorious: why

ushiwaka: why? because i care about my team?

satorious: so

taichai: ill have a good weekend ushiwaka

yamagotchya: so will i

satorious: i WONT

ushiwaka: im glad to hear that hayato and taichi

ushiwaka: and get wrecked, satori

yamagotchya: OAHSD

taichai: YO I JUST WITNESSED A MURDER

_satorious has left the chat_

_ushiwaka has added satorious to 'SHIRATORIZAWA CHAT'_

ushiwaka: no one leaves, remember?

satorious: gdi

satorious: played once again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> funfact the thing w tsutomu not knowing what bone means happened to me irl. worst thing ever. i got teased the rest of the year.
> 
> also....feel free to send ideas and characters to add bc im so dry. i need help. seriously. sos. please help. also im so sorry f the chracters are ooc this is just my. personal headcanons. 
> 
> so eyah. send ideas. if u want.


	3. no canoodling in the dorms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yamagotchya: wow taichi u were right  
> taichai: right about wh  
> yamagotchya: i guess doing a split on a dick IS a gr8 way to stretch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new update: NAMES WILL NO LONGER BE BOLDED BC IT TAKES A LONG TIME AND im a very simple person who doesnt want to spend an hour going back and bolding every name okay
> 
> also im sorry i dont have good ideas on what to write AHHHHHHH IM INSECURE AS FUCK. i tried. sos. :((((

 

_ Saturday, 10:34 am _

reonking: guys, i have bad news

taichai: oh no

taichai: youre breaking up with us

reonking: what?

taichai: i knew this day would come

taichai: they wont treat you like we treat you reon

reonking: what?!?!

taichai: reon i was hoping i wasnt going to have to say this, but im pregnant

reonking: taichi please!!

taichai: this baby needs two parents, reon

reonking: taichi!!! im not 'breaking up' with you guys. 

taichai: oh

reonking: i just cant go to the movies this sunday, im sorry. 

taichai: EVEN WORSE

satorious: WHAT

reonking: i promised my grandmother i would come visit.

satorious: UGHHH

taichai: reon ur so good

taichai: but it breaks my heart when i dont see you

reonking: im sure you'll all have a fun time without me.

satorious: no we wont i love u

reonking: come on, don't be dramatic

taichai: but im devastated 

reonking: you and everyone can have fun without me!

satorious: I GUESS

reonking: speaking of which, where is the rest of the team?

reonking: as in... eita, tsutomu, and kenjiro.

taichai: oh whoops

satorious: FORGOT TO READD THEM GHJFJDJFH

_ satorious has added semisweet, goshikkiminaj, and shittybu to 'SHIRATORIZAWA CHAT' _

shittybu: i thought i was free

satorious: no one is ever free

taichai: my woes are back

shittybu: im not your woe

taichai: yes u are. all of you are my woes.

satorious: wheres coconut head and emo boy

shittybu: sleeping

satorious: nah semisemi never sleeps this late

shittybu: no he's sleeping

shittybu: along with goshiki

shittybu: i know because they stayed the night in my dorm

taichai: OH

taichai: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

satorious: UM THATS AGAINST SCHOOL RULES

satorious: NO CANOODLING IN THE DORMS!!!!

reonking: canoodling?

shittybu: fuck ya'll

shittybu: eitas in my roommates bed and tsutomu slept on the ground

satorious: you made semisemi share a bed with ur roommate??

satorious: harsh.

shittybu: SHUT UP HES OUT OF TOWN U KNOW WHAT I MEANT

taichai: whyd u make tsutomu sleep on the floor

satorious: probably bc his fucking limbs hang off the bed hes so fucking BIG

reonking: i feel like im missing something here?

shittybu: no. youre not. 

shittybu: you are not missing. a thing.

shittybu: ANYWAY

shittybu: i have more bad news it seems

satorious: NOT YOU TOO KENJI

shittybu: none of us can go to the dog movie

taichai: what

taichai: WHY

shittybu: i read the review on rotten tomatoes and its a shit movie apparently and i dont like shit movies

satorious: kenjiro

satorious: rly

taichai: ok but how shit

shittybu: it has a 34%

reonking: that's pretty shit

satorious: ughhhhfhdhfgdh

satorious: can we see something else then

satorious: bc i still wanna hang out

shittybu: ofc 

shittybu: lets just pick something thats not shit

taichai: can we see lego batman please

shittybu: wtf why

shittybu: looks like a bad kids movie

taichai: it has good reviews tho

taichai: and

taichai: a lot of straight ppl are saying its 'gay propoganda' 

shittybu: o shit

shittybu: rly

satorious: so basically

satorious: we gotta see it

satorious: ok im down for the lego batman movie if its gay

shittybu: same????

reonking: dangit, now you guys are making me wanna go!

taichai: awwww reon

taichai: if its good we'll all go see it again and take you <3

reonking: okay, thanks!

satorious: w8

satorious: what time are we going tommorow

satorious: like noon right

shittybu: yea noonish

taichai: lets get frozen yogurt when we're there too

reonking: taichi, you're lactose intolerant.

taichai: shhh. sh. shshhshshsh no one. needs to know that. 

satorious: u kno semisemi and ushiwaka arent gonna let u get frozen yogurt

taichai: NOT IF U DONT TELL THEM

shittybu: ur just gonna complain if you eat it???

shittybu: and then probably throw up???

taichai: hey,that only happened like once

reonking: it happened just last week on that out of town trip.

taichai: stop attacking me 

shittybu: eita just woke up and read the chat and he said ur not going if you eat frozen yogurt

reonking: busted.

satorious: savage

taichai: i hate you mom

shittybu: mom says he hates you too

 

_Saturday, 1:34 pm_

semisweet: wait so i have a question about tommorow

satorious: what

semisweet: like. how are we getting there

semisweet: im not up for walking all the way there

semisweet: at all

ushiwaka: that is a good question, eita.

ushiwaka: we do have to arrange transportation.

goshikkiminaj: i have a skateboard!

satorious: dhgdsjfhs

semisweet: tsutomu thats sweet but we wont all fit on your skateboard

goshikkiminaj: :(

goshikkiminaj: we can ask coach if we can take the vbc bus?

ushiwaka: i don't think he'd be okay with that. 

goshikkiminaj: he was okay with it the last time?

satorious: yeah but the school board got all pissed and he got in trouble

satorious: so i dont think he's gonna be all dandy handing over the keys

ushiwaka: plus it's a huge inconvenience to park it. 

goshikkiminaj: weh

semisweet: we could ask for permission to use a school van

goshikkiminaj: arent those only authorized for school trips???

semisweet: they are

semisweet: but no one has to tell them we're just using it to go to the movies

semisweet: we could say its for a volleyball club related thing

satorious: oooooooo

satorious: i like the way u think semisemi

ushiwaka: i dont think that's a good idea either.

ushiwaka: if we got caught we could get in a lot of trouble.

goshikkiminaj: but how else can we get to the movies :(

satorious: lets all suck dick for bus money

semisweet: SATORI

satorious: 2 bucks for ten minutes 

semisweet: THATS NOT EVEN A DECENT PRICE

goshikkiminaj: whats a decent price then????

semisweet: YOU. DONT NEED. TO KNOW.

ushiwaka: ill look into transportation.

ushiwaka: and no one is going to perform sexual acts for money.

semisweet: AGREED.

satorious: such a prude

satorious: but finnneee

satorious: if all else fails just remember

satorious: we've got tsutomus skateboard as backup

goshikkiminaj: :D

 

_Saturday, 2:47 pm_

yamagotchya: i have an, idea

taichai: i think you mean WE have an idea

yamagotchya: ok yeah

yamagotchya: me and taichi have an idea

semisweet: wh

semisweet: at

shittybu: something tells me its a stupid idea

taichai: you havent even heard it yet

shittybu: our team rarely good ideas

shittybu: ever

semisweet: um speak for urself

semisweet: im the backbone of this team

semisweet: 94% of the good ideas come from me

yamagotchya: why 94%

yamagotchya: whats the other 6%

semisweet: you see, theres a math to it,

shittybu: oh great

semisweet: u, taichi, kenjiro, reon and ushiwaka each get 1% 

semisweet:  so thats 5% of good ideas from u guys

shittybu: oh my god this is stupid

taichai: tht only leaves 1% for satori and tsutomu tho

semisweet: tsutomu has good ideas .7% of the time 

semisweet: leaving satori with an average of good ideas .3% of the time

shittybu: i hate you

shittybu: but at the same time this is accurate

yamagotchya: it really is shgdjsdfhs

taichai: k if ur done with ur math CAN WE GET BACK TO ME N HAYATOS GOOD IDEA

semisweet: i doubt its good but

semisweet: Okay. shoot

taichai: WAIT UNTIL U HEAR IT

taichai: okay. ok. hayato u first.

yamagotchya: ok so you know how we

yamagotchya: play volleyball

shittybu: no

semisweet: what the fuck is a voley ball

yamagotchya: SHUT UP im not DONE

yamagotchya: ANYWAY.

taichai: what if instead of playing volleyball

taichai: we became a dance group

semisweet: ...a dance group ?

shittybu: wh

yamagotchya: YEAH like. dancing. 

yamagotchya: you know. like beep boop. 

semisweet: what

shittybu: why?

semisweet: i dont get it

semisweet: like what kind of dance group

shittybu: ok no the real question is why the fuck did u describe dancing as 'beep boop'

yamagotchya: bc u beep boop to the music idk

shittybu: that makes no sense

taichai: LETS FOCUS ON THE IMPORTANT THING HERE

taichai: we should. be a dance group. 

shittybu: none of us know how to dance???

yamagotchya: u act like u cant learn how 

semisweet: ok no one has explained what KIND of dance group yet tho

shittybu: does it really matter

semisweet: yes

taichai: i was thinking hip hop

yamagotchya: and i thought street dancing would be cool

shittybu: that sounds horrible

shittybu: can u imagine tsutomu dancing hiphop

shittybu: or satori break dancing

shittybu: tsutomu can barely manage not tripping over his own feet when he runs

semisweet: be nice kenji

shittybu: and actually nvm abt satori

shittybu: i can totally imagine him breakdancing 

yamagotchya: SAME 

yamagotchya: hed probably be rly fucking good at it

semisweet: while i agree i think breakdancing is an unnecessary risk 

yamagotchya: very true

taichai: ok yea maybe not breakdancing

taichai: and maybeeee not hip gop

taichai: *Hop

semisweet: gop gop gop

shittybu: how many of us are even flexible enough to be dancers

semisweet: i can do all 3 of my splits

yamagotchya: oh really

yamagotchya: i wonder how you

yamagotchya: practiced that 

yamagotchya: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

semisweet: what

semisweet: u literally just stretch it on the ground 

semisweet: or the wall

shittybu: i can do my splits too

yamagotchya: ( ๏ ͜ʖ ๏ )

yamagotchya: wow taichi u were right

taichai: right about wh

yamagotchya: i guess doing a split on a dick IS a gr8 way to stretch

taichai: ive never said that in my life

_ semisweet has left the chat _

_ shittybu has left the chat _

taichai: you just had to do it

yamagotchya: U know i did

_ taichai has added semisweet and shittybu to 'SHIRATORIZAWA CHAT' _

yamagotchya: i dont know why you bother leaving if we're just gonna readd u

shittybu: maybe bec leaving kinda signifies 'i dont wanna be in this chat'

semisweet: the victim always tries to escape the killer even if the escape is certain death

taichai: thats deep

semisweet: i try i really try

shittybu: guys unrelated but

shittybu: i want to die

yamagotchya: same

taichai: same

semisweet: same

shittybu: .....u dont even kno the reason why

yamagotchya: i wanna die tho

taichai: same????

semisweet: ok ill bite; why do u want to die

shittybu: tsutomu wants to watch moana AGAIN

semisweet: wtf

semisweet: rip in peace

taichai: what

taichai: thats like. the opposite of a problem

shittybu: NO

shittybu: u dont understand

yamagotchya: i stand by taichi

yamagotchya: whats wrong w moana kenji

shittybu: NOTHING JUST

semisweet: tsutomu is obsessed with it

shittybu: YEAH OBSESSED 

shittybu: LIKE

shittybu: when hes not fucking watching it hes listening to the sountrack

shittybu: and singing along

semisweet: loudly

yamagotchya: aw

yamagotchya: thats rly cute tho

shittybu: i know thats why IT PISSES ME TF OFF

shittybu: if i have to hear dwayne the rock "the rock" johnson sing one more time 

shittybu: i might...explode

semisweet: id pay good money to see u explode

taichai: poor poor kenjiro

taichai: doesnt know how to deal with his little gay feelings

shittybu: you say that like ur any better

taichai: at least i can admit when i have a crush

taichai: or. crushes.

shittybu: what the fuck does that imply

semisweet: OKAY none of us are good at feelings

semisweet: lets just. agree. before it gets out of hand. 

yamagotchya: hes right nyall

taichai: did you just fucking say nyall

yamagotchya: nyas i did

taichai: i hope you choke on your own spit

yamagotchya: a little harsh nyarent you

shittybu: btw if anyone else wants to watch moana

shittybu: we're in the common room on the 4th floor

semisweet: yea ill watch 

taichai: me and hayato would but we r marathoning the xfiles

taichai: but have fun with ur little threesome

taichai: (no pun intended) 

shittybu: fine whatever ur guys are losers

yamagotchya: what can i say

yamagotchya: i want to believe

 

 _Sunday, 11:09 pm_  

ushiwaka: good news, everyone

goshikkiminaj: what is it!? :0

ushiwaka: i got us transportation for tommorow.

shittybu: gr8

taichai: yaaaaaaaay

taichai: lego moooooovie

semisweet: what time are we leaving

satorious: the movies starts at like 1:30

satorious: so lets all leave at like 11 ????

goshikkiminaj: okay!!!

goshikkiminaj: im excited :D

ushiwaka: no one be late please.

shittybu: i can make no promises

satorious: neither can i

semisweet: ill make sure everyone is on time

taichai: hayatos spending the night with me 

taichai: so we wont be late i promise yo

ushiwaka: alright, thats fine.

 ushiwaka: everyone sleep well tonight. 

semisweet: goodnight

satorious: night fuckers

taichai: gn

goshikkiminaj: goodnigth!!!

shittybu: night

 

_Sunday, 10:57 am_

satorious: GOOD MORNING

satorious: I WOKE UP A LITTLE LATE BUT I AM #OMW AS WE SPEAK

shittybu: jfc

shittybu: weve been waiting 4ever

satorious: rly

shittybu: no im just being dramatic

satorious: my alarm didnt go off

satorious: i can see u guys rn

satorious: semisemi u look fly as fuck

semisweet: thanks

shittybu: yeah thanks to ME 

satorious: BTW I CALL AUX CORD

satorious: I FOUND A NEW SONG I WANNA PLAY

semisweet: ok? 

  

_Sunday, 11:05 am_

semisweet: SATORI LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK

shittybu: hump me

semisweet: SATORI

shittybu: fuck me

semisweet: TURN IT OFF TURN IT OFF THIS IS SO BAD

shittybu: daddy better make me choke

taichai: I AGREE WITH EITA ON THIS FOR ONCE: WHAT

taichai: THE FUCK

shittybu: lick lick lick lick i wanna eat your dick

satorious: IITS MY NEW FAVORITW SONG

shittybu: cant fuck w my nails

shittybu: so ima pick it up with chopsticks

semisweet: STOP QUOTING THE LYRICS THEYRE EVEN WORSE WRITTEN DOWN

yamagotchya: I LOVE this SONG

yamagotchya: CUPCAKKE IS AMAZING

satorious: I KNO RIGTH I JUST FOUND HER LIKE LAST WEEK

satorious: N IM OBSESSED

satorious: MY FAV SONGS ARE THIS ONE N LGBT

semisweet: PLEASE TURN IT OF

yamagotchya: WHY DONT U LIKE CUPCAKKE SEMI

yamagotchya: DO U HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HER

semisweet: NO IM SURE SHES A WONDERFUL WOMAN

semisweet: THIS SONG IS JUS SO FUCKING INNAPROPRIATE

goshikkiminaj: i kind of like it ???

semisweet: NO? YOU DONT. STOP

semisweet: TURN IT OFF SATORI

taichai: IM INNLITERAL TEARS

satorious: NEVER

yamagotchya: PLEASE DONT TURN IT OFF

shittybu: my fav part is when she says 'my pussy pink like salami'.iconic

satorious: WAIT SHE ACTUALLY HAS A NEW SINGLE

satorious: ITS CALLED CUMSHOT

semisweet: OH NO

satorious: SHOULD I PLAY IT

taichai: YES

semisweet: PLEASE DONT

yamagotchya: PLEASE DO 

semisweet: IM TRYING TO TYPE AND SHIELD TSUTOMUS EARS AT THE SAME TIME ITS HARD

shittybu: god semi its like you dont have any taste in music

shittybu: this is amazing

taichai: im simutaneously stuck between 'what the fuck' AND 'dont stop'

yamagotchya: hahaha thats what she said

semisweet: IM ALREADY REGRETTING THIS OUTING

satorious: luv u too semisemi

 

_Sunday, 5:14 pm_

reonking: how was the movie guys?

taichai: REOOOOOONN

yamagotchya: I MISS YOU

reonking: i miss you guys too!

taichai: ALSO THE MOVIE WAS RLY GOOD 

taichai: LIKE 10/10

yamagotchya: it was so gay

yamagotchya: i walked in expecting just a shitty batman movie

yamagotchya: and walked out shipping the lego batman and the lego joker

reonking: really? thats cool!

reonking: did you get your frozen yogurt, taichi?

taichai: NO EITA WOULDNT LET ME HAVE IT

taichai: hes just a party pooper

semisweet: you are literally so lactose intolerant

taichai: let me live

yamagotchya: back to the movie

yamagotchya: im so sad u missed it reon 

taichai: me too it was so cute u would have loved it

reonking: i really wish i could have been there!

semisweet: no you dont 

reonking: did you not like the movie eita?

semisweet: no i liked the movie

semisweet: it was just. the people AT the movie

taichai: O SHIT THATS right he wasnt there for the Incident

yamagotchya: ah yes. The Incident.

reonking: Incident?

reonking: what incident?

semisweet: its a long story

reonking: i have time!

taichai: reon be careful

taichai: he could go full mom mode

semisweet: honestly yeah

semisweet: are you sure you want to hear the full story

yamagotchya: (say yes its kinda funny)

reonking: yes, i do!

semisweet: okay

semisweet: saddle up, grab some snacks, and get ready

taichai: hes about to go OFF

semisweet: okay so. we all buy our tickets. go inside. everything is going good.

semisweet: taichi kenji and hayato go to save seats. 

semisweet: me and tsutomu wait in line to get popcorn 

semisweet: and ushiwaka and satori are still at the convenience store buying candy 

semisweet: are you following

reonking: yes!

semisweet: anyway, me and tsutomu are just, talking

taichai: coughFLIRTINGcough

semisweet: and this mom suddenly just. cuts us in line?

semisweet: like she and her kid just

semisweet: crowd us. blantantly. in plain sight. like we wouldnt notice

reonking: oh, jeez. 

semisweet: so im trying to be nice and im like uh miss you cut in front of me

semisweet: SHE TURNS AROUND LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN

semisweet: AND SCOFFS AND JUST TURNS BACK AROUND

semisweet: so im like again

semisweet: MISS YOU CUT ME IN LINE THATS FUCKING RUDE

semisweet: and she turns around and tells me to SHUT UP

semisweet: IM LIKE THOROUGHLY DONE AT THIS POINT AND SO CLOSE TO PUNCHING HER

yamagotchya: honestly u should have

taichai: tbh

semisweet: TSUTOMUS LIKE 'come on lets just get in the other line' AND SINCE I DONT WANNA PUNCH A BITCH IN FRONT OF HER KID, WE GET IN THE OTHER LINE

semisweet: so anyway. we get our popcorn and we finally head to the theatre

semisweet: are you still following

reonking: yes, and im very intrigued. 

semisweet: so we get our seats and ushiwaka and satori arent back yet so we're still holding their seats

semisweet: in the mean time me and tsutomu tell the story and yknow i think its over at this point.

yamagotchya: (spoiler alert: its not)

semisweet: BUT NO.

semisweet: the mom comes in the theatre. and out OF ALL THE SEATS IN THE THEATRE TO CHOOSE FROM

semisweet: SHE SITS RIGHT IN THE TWO WE ARE SAVING

reonking: oh my gosh.

semisweet: the seats are like right by tsutomu so hes tells her like im sorry miss we're saving those seats for our friends

semisweet: AND SO SHE TELLS HIM!!! TO SHUT UP!! 

semisweet: and so im just. Im done.

semisweet: idc if someone tells ME to shut up but no one can talk that way to my friend

taichai: coughBOYFRIENDcough

semisweet: so i get up and i walk over and im like

yamagotchya: this is my fav part

semisweet: i just. i kindly ask her to move.  and guess what she says

reonking: ...she says no?

semisweet: yup

semisweet: so then. im like. okay. 

semisweet: i asked nicely. now get the FUCK out of our seats before we have a real problem 

semisweet: n shes like 'a real problem??' all smug

semisweet: and im so pissed i

semisweet: all i could do was put my hand on her shoulder and yell YOU DONT WANNA FUCK WITH ME LADY 

semisweet: and i guess i scared her because her eyes got so big and she started apologizing and sat on the other side of the theatre after that

semisweet: the end

reonking: wow. 

reonking: i can't believe that.

semisweet: IKR

taichai: you shoulve been there reon TBH

reonking: i wish i could have. i would have just scared that lady off for you guys.

yamagotchya: awww reon. you couldnt hurt a fly tho

reonking: i really dislike rude people, though.

semisweet: i think i handled it pretty well

reonking: im sure you did.

reonking: at least the movie was good?

taichai: yesss

taichai: it was so gr8

taichai: we can go see it again

reonking: i'd like that a lot.

reonking: i have to go eat dinner now, guys. it was really nice talking to you!

yamagotchya: aw

yamagotchya: ok tho

yamagotchya: have fun

reonking: i will! bye guys!

taichai: byeeee

semisweet: byeby

yamagotchya: guys im in pain

taichai: why

yamagotchya: i just, i miss him so much already

semisweet: get ahold of yourself he's coming back tommorow

yamagotchya: thats still so long

yamagotchya: im so lonely in my dorm

taichai: wheres ur roommate

yamagotchya: hes here but i dont rly like hanging out w him

semisweet: come to mine?

semisweet: we can lay in my bed and listen to music

taichai: wtf i wanna come

yamagotchya: sounds gay

yamagotchya: but sorry i have homework to do

semisweet: OH SHIT WAIT SO DO I

semisweet: you just reminded me i have a math worksheet due tomorrow holy fuck

taichai: lol losers

taichai: i finished my homework friday

semisweet: kys

yamagotchya: well thats fantastic for you taichi

yamagotchya: which part of your ass should i kiss?

taichai: the left cheek please

yamagotchya: ur not funny

taichai: hey at least i did my homework¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

_Sunday, 9:58 pm_

goshikkiminaj: PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE

goshikkiminaj: IMSCARED I NEED HELP

goshikkiminaj: ANYONE

goshikkiminaj: PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASLEKE\

satorious: whats wrong

satorious: what the fuck tsutomu whats wrong

satorious: are you okay??????

satorious: seriously tsutomu if you dont reply im calling eita and ushiwaka

goshikkiminaj: SOORRY IM HERE

satorious: whats wrong???????

goshikkiminaj: HTERES A SPIDER

goshikkiminaj: IN MY ROOM ON MY BED

goshikkiminaj: ITS HUGE AND IM SCARED I DOND

goshikkiminaj: MY ROOOMAMTES ASLEEP I CANT WAKE HIM

satorious: oh my god

satorious: is that literally it

goshikkiminaj: PLELASE IM SCARED OF SPIDERS

goshikkiminaj: IM CRYING AND ITS GONNA CRAWL ONNEMEEEE

satorious: god dammit

satorious: ill come kill it for you

satorious: just stop calm down you literally had me so fucking scared

goshikkiminaj: imm sorry im just really sscare dof spiders

satorious: its okay. just stay away from it

satorious: ill be there in a minute

goshikkiminaj: thankyou

 

_Monday, 5:46 am_

semisweet: ok which one of you fuckers set my phone alarm to that fucking song

shittybu: hump me fuck me daddy better make me choke

shittybu: good morning

semisweet: i hate you so much right now 

semisweet: my roommate is looking at me like he hates me

shittybu: oops im sorry

semisweet: are you really 

shittybu: lmao nah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres the song tendou was playing: [[link]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzuvfy4jFwE) (WARNING VERY NSFW)
> 
> ask goshiki loves moana end of story
> 
> send ideas please. because i am not a funny person. i need. inspo….


	4. a lame filler chapter because im going to ohio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shittybu: stranger things have happened  
> satorious: nice stranger things reference  
> shittybu: UR NOT FUNNY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YEAH HI SORRY this is totally a filler chapter because im literally about to get on a plane to ohio in 2 hours and i really needed to get this out before i left bc it'd been so long since i updated. 
> 
> im on an independant winterguard team and we've been traveling a LOT for competitions so thats why ive been. BUSY AND NOT UPDATING. and now we're about to head to ohio for world championships so please send me good vibes.
> 
> im so sorry this is boring and not funny and just totally 100% filler but i did. introduce a new important character. hes extremely important. dont forget him.

_Monday, 8:49 am_

satorious: guys i got a 88% on my math test

satorious: the teacher even drew a smiley face by my score

satorious: i feel so....neurotypical

taichai: sounds scary

taichai: but good for u. 

taichai: looks like kenjiros time wasnt wasted

reonking: congratulations!

satorious: THANKS GUYS

satorious: lets go out for drinks to celebrate

reonking: we're underage, satori.

satorious: i said drinks not alcohol

satorious: maybe i wanted to go out for milkshakes reon

satorious: did u ever think about that

taichai: in his defense you would suggest something like that

satorious: lol i kno right

reonking: im sorry for assuming!

reonking: i absolutely think we should celebrate your good grade. 

satorious: <=D !!!!!

reonking: milkshakes sound like a bad idea though.

satorious: D=< !!!!!!!!!

satorious: why!!!!

reonking: well, taichi is lactose intolerant. 

taichai:  no im not sh

reonking: taichi.

taichai: SHHH!!!!

satorious: well we can go for milkshakes and taichi can drink WATER

taichai: drinking water? what a neurotypical thing to do

reonking: well, he could probably eat a fruit sorbet

taichai: ew

taichai: sorbet makes me wanna die

taichai: i hate it so much

satorious: omg do u think they have sorbet shakes

taichai: EW 

taichai: NO

taichai: I JUST SAID I HATED SORBET

reonking: they have sorbet smoothies.

satorious: omg rly

satorious: lets get taichi one

taichai: i JUST PHYSICALLY GAGGED IN THE MIDDLE OF MY CLASS

taichai: i hatE SORBET

taichai: stop talkin ABT IT

reonking: sorry!

satorious: WHY do you hate it so much OMG

taichai: BEC WHEN I WAS LITTLE

taichai: I GOT MY TONSILS OUT

taichai: AND BEC I COULDNT EAT ICE CREAM

taichai:  I HAD TO EAT LEMON LIME SORBET FOR LIKE, TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT

reonking: what about a different flavor?

reonking: like strawberry?

taichai: No

taichai: the texture is gross too

reonking: well then. i guess you'll just have to drink the water.

taichai: :(

satorious: hey guys

reonking: what?

satorious: remember when we were talking about my good grade

satorious: lets talk about my good grade again

satorious: and not about taichis weird vendetta against sorbet

taichai: its not WEIRD

reonking: it's a little weird, taichi. 

taichai: U guys just dont understand me

satorious: anyway

satorious: i demand 8 hugs for my good grade

satorious: so all of you pay up after practice

reonking: theres 8 of us including you though?

satorious: what

reonking: whos the 8th person?

satorious: WHAT DO U ME

taichai: HE MEANS theres 8 of us INCLUDING YOU

taichai: you said 8 hugs 

taichai: so are u like gonna hug yourself

satorious: Oh

satorious: 7 hugs + 1 group hug

satorious: there

reonking: i see. thats more doable. 

taichai: im gonna hug you with my hand around ur throat

satorious: that doesnt sound very neurotypical of u taichi

taichai: shut the fruck up

 

_Monday, 12:12 pm_

yamagotchya: u kno

yamagotchya: ive found a lot of weird things in the clubroom

yamagotchya: so like

yamagotchya: finding a puppy in the clubroom isnt THAT weird

yamagotchya: but im still curious as to why its here

taichai: THERES A PUPPPY IN THE B+CLUBROOM

taichai: IM OMW

yamagotchya: it was sleeping on top of tsutomus jacket

taichai: MY TEACHER WAS TALKING TO ME N I JUST BOLTED LIKE MID SENTENCE WHEN I HEARD PUPPY

yamagotchya: oh my god

yamagotchya: dont let satori know he'll probably start screaming

taichai: PUPPPY

yamagotchya: i just wanna know what to do with him

taichai: you cherish him

taichai: wait how do you know its a boy dog

yamagotchya: it has boy dog parts

taichai: Oh Tru

taichai: IM ALMOST THRER

taichai: PREPARE THE PUPPY FOR

taichai: CUDDLES

yamagotchya: the puppy is sleeping 

yamagotchya: be quiet when you come in

taichai: noooooo

taichai: but fineeee

semisweet: fuck

yamagotchya: hm yes good fuck to you too eita

taichai: EITA THRES A PUPPY IN THE CLUBROOM

semisweet: i kno

taichai: WHAT DOU MEAN U KNWO

semisweet: u werent supposed to find him

taichai: WAS HE A SURPRISE PUPPY

yamagotchya: ???

yamagotchya: is this ur puppy???

yamagotchya: I thought he just wandered in bc the back door was like. slightly open

semisweet: Oh Fuck that would have been a way better cover up

semisweet: its not like my puppy but i did like. find him.

taichai: WHERE DID U FIND HIM WAS IT HEAVEN

semisweet: if heaven is a wet and dark alley behind a convenience store then yes

yamagotchya: gross

yamagotchya: is that why he smells gross

semisweet: yeah i havent had a time to clean him yet

taichai: HE DOENST SMELL GROSS HES PERFECT

semisweet: me and kenjiro found him this morning

semisweet: we went to go get teas before class and we found him

semisweet: he was wrapped in a newspaper and whimpering

taichai: i LVOEOHIM

semisweet: taichi r u ok its just a puppy

yamagotchya: i think taichis dead he cant even talk anymore

yamagotchya: hes just laying on the floor by the puppy 

yamagotchya: touching it with one finger

semisweet: send pics

yamagotchya: _File sent.   IMG_682.png_

semisweet: blessed image

yamagotchya: u kno we cant keep a dog here

semisweet: I KNOW BUT

semisweet: hes so brave and so fucking cute

taichai: ill hidde him in my jacket everysingle day

yamagotchya: hes gonna grow up rly big tho taichi

taichai: DONT CARE

taichai: JACKET PUPPY

yamagotchya: does jacket puppy have a name

semisweet: YEA HE DOES ACTUALLY

semisweet: its. 

yamagotchya: ...its what

semisweet: well u see

semisweet: when we first heard the the whines we were like

semisweet: lol that sounds like oikawa tooru after we kick his teams ass 

yamagotchya: no

semisweet: so we named the puppy 

yamagotchya: no

semisweet: tooru

yamagotchya: NO

yamagotchya: WHY SEIJOHS SETTER

taichai: i lovethis puppy but i am never goingt to say 'ilove tooru' outloud

semisweet: ushiwaka will though

yamagotchya: wait actually no

yamagotchya: lets keep his name tooru

yamagotchya: but lets call him 'better tooru'

yamagotchya: now we can say we have the better tooru

taichai: i love better tooru

semisweet: I DIDNT EVEN THINK OF THT TJFDJS

semisweet: you sound like ur warming up to the idea of keeping the puppy hayato 

taichai: cannwe Please keep the puppy

yamagotchya: i have no idea why u guys are asking me

yamagotchya: eita is team mom

yamagotchya: he makes decisions for us

semisweet: wtf

semisweet: no

semisweet: idek where we could keep him???

taichai: he can live in my dorm

yamagotchya: u have a roommate

semisweet: maybe kenjiros aunt can take care of him

semisweet: she lives rly close by

yamagotchya: she does

semisweet: yea

semisweet: like shes ten minutes away walking distance

yamagotchya: oooo

semisweet: so better tooru could visit us

taichai: but i want better tooru to live here

semisweet: i mean same but

semisweet: unfortunately no

yamagotchya: can better tooru come to all our practices

semisweet: ofc

taichai: yessssssssd

taichai: what do we do with him for the rest of the day

semisweet: Um

semisweet: take him outside to pee and then give him something to eat????

taichai: too late 

semisweet: ??

semisweet: too late what??

yamagotchya: he kinda already peed on tsutomus jacket

semisweet: fucking hell

taichai: sorry bout it

semisweet: w/e

semisweet: just lock the club room doors and leave him there

semisweet: the rest of the team can see him after school

yamagotchya: got it mom

 

_Monday, 2:25 pm_

satorious: wait what

satorious: HWHAT

satorious: WHAT!1!11

satorious: THEHRES A PUPPY!1?

goshikkiminaj: where???

satorious: inNT THE CLUBROROM TSUTOMU DIDNT U REA DT THE CHAT

goshikkiminaj: i can barely read what ur saying!!! :(

shittybu: hes theres a puppy in the clubroom

shittybu: me and eita found him this morning

goshikkiminaj: WHAT???

goshikkiminaj: thats against school rules though!!

satorious: SHSUT UP TSUTOMU ITS A PUPPYS!!!1

shittybu: we were just keeping him in there for the day

shittybu: like eita said i think my aunt can take him?

satorious: GOD DI HOPE SO

satorious: i jST GOT TO THE CLUBROOM AND IM HOLDIDNG HIM NOW HES SO CUTE

satorious: IM DECLAIRING PRACTICE DELAYED TODAY

shittybu: you cant just delay practice because of a puppy

shittybu: you dont have that kind of authority

satorious: W A T C H  M E

goshikkiminaj: I wanna see the puppy too!!!! 

goshikkiminaj: kenjiro lets go!!!!!

shittybu: i already saw the puppy like ten times but ok ill meet u there

goshikkiminaj: :D!!!!!!!!!!

satorious: is the puppys name rly 'better tooru'?????

shittybu: I GUESS SO LMAO

shittybu: it was originally just tooru but i u think abt it

shittybu: this tooru rly is better

goshikkiminaj: why is it better tooru>???

goshikkiminaj: i dont get it?????

shittybu: bc this tooru is a cute puppy and seijohs tooru is kind of a whiny jerk

goshikkiminaj: oh. i get it!?

satorious: ew tsutomu BETTER TOORU PEED ON UR JACKET LMAO

goshikkiminaj: NOOOOO

goshikkiminaj: eita just washed it for me D':

shittybu: why does stuff like that only happen to you

goshikkiminaj: i dont know :(

goshikkiminaj: is practice really delayed???

shittybu: no

satorious: YES

shittybu: its still at 3:30 so dont be late

goshikkiminaj: im literally on my way to meet you right now?

goshikkiminaj: how could i be late if youre with me?

shittybu: stranger things have happened

satorious: nice stranger things reference

shittybu: UR NOT FUNNY

 

_Monday, 8:47 pm_

shittybu: guys im bored

shittybu: entertain me

satorious: the person who created frisbees was cremated and made into frisbees after he died

shittybu: someone thats not satori entertain me

semisweet: jesus fuckng christ was he really

satorious: HE WAS

satorious: he was even cremated with some of his favorite frisbees

semisweet: wow

semisweet: i wonder if ive ever held a dead person frisbee

shittybu: can we not talk about the dead frisbee guy

satorious: FINE 

satorious: hello mr. fucking prissy pants

satorious: what do u wanna do

shittybu: i dont kno

shittybu: i said entertain me

shittybu: so u guys gotta think of the entertainment

semisweet: why do any of us hang out with you

shittybu: because im cool

satorious: "because im cool" - shirabu kenjiro, 201X

semisweet: ok 

semisweet: do u wanna play a game

shittybu: hmmmm

shittybu: perhaps

shittybu: it depends on the game

satorious: FUCK MARRY KILL

satorious: FUCK MARRY KILL!!!!!!!

semisweet: id want to but 

semisweet:  idk u kinda need more ppl for that game

shittybu: fuck wakatoshi marry reon kill satori 

semisweet: what the fuck

semisweet: were not even playing yet

satorious: WTF WHY WOULD U KILL ME

satorious: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU

shittybu: you are the bane of my existence

satorious: FUCK U

satorious: FINE THEN 

satorious: MARRY USHIJIMA FUCK EITA AND KILL TSUTOMU

semisweet: ??/?1?!

semisweet: WE NEVER EVEN AGREED TO PLAY THIS 

semisweet: THIS ISNT EVEN HOW U HOES PLAY THE GAME

shittybu: u didnt even kill me wtf

satorious: no i didnt

satorious: you see i went after ur three favorite ppl

satorious: so now you'll live ALONE

shittybu: Oh fuck you

satorious: U WISH!!!!!!!

semisweet: GUYS

semisweet: C H I L L

shittybu: he started it

satorious: i literally did nOT OMg u did

satorious: u salty little demon

shittybu: heyguess what

semisweet: what

shittybu: IM STILL FUCKING BORED

semisweet: idk what u want us to do abt it

semisweet: we tried to play fmk

semisweet: but u jumped the gun so hard

shittybu: is that a sex joke

semisweet: ??/NO

satorious: lets talk about ourselves

satorious: learn more about each other

shittybu: i literally almost already know everything about you guys

shittybu: what more could i possibly need to know

satorious: one time i sneezed so hard my nose started bleeding and i passed out and had to go to the emergency room

shittybu: satori i was literally there for that 

semisweet: we all were

shittybu: it happened just last month

satorious: i know

satorious: it was just some crazy shit amiright

shittybu: more like scary shit

semisweet: have we ever talked about pokemon

shittybu: wtf kinda question is that

shittybu: ofc we have

semisweet: then why dont i know ur guys favorite pokemons and regions and games

satorious: OOOOO

satorious: TRU

satorious: SEE KENJIRO WE DONT KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER

shittybu: whatever

shittybu: fine

shittybu: whats ur guys favorite pokemon

satorious: NINETAILS

semisweet: porygon-z, froslass, glaceon, gardevoir, giratina, roserade,

satorious: holy crap

shittybu: jfc i have pokeMON

shittybu: SINGULAR 

semisweet: well EXCUSE ME

semisweet: ITS HARD TO CHOOSE

satorious: is no one going to mention that gardevoir is a shit pokemon

semisweet: yoU SHUT UR FUCKIN WHORE MOUTH

shittybu: idk gardevoir is kinda shit

shittybu: ppl just like gardevoir bc its Sexy

semisweet: ???? NO

semisweet: FUCK U ALL

semisweet: GARDEVOIR IS BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE THEM

satorious: name one good move gardevoir learns

semisweet: MOONBLAST???

shittybu: uh thats a fuckin fairy type move IT DIDNT EXIST UNTIL 2013

semisweet: SO???

satorious: SO IT DOESNT COUNT

semisweet: FUCK U GUYS

semisweet: U DIDNT EVEN SAY UR FAV POKEMON KENJIRO

shittybu: oh its togekiss

satorious: aw good choice

semisweet: togekiss looks like an ugly airplane

shittybu: u look like an ugly airplane

satorious: ok best/favorite region now

satorious: ill go first

satorious: johto all the way

semisweet: sinnoh 

shittybu: unova 

satorious: wtf

satorious: theres nothing to like about unova

shittybu: humilau city music

satorious: o fuck

satorious: tru

satorious: i retract my previous statement

shittybu: thats what i thought

semisweet: i cant believe no one called me out for sinnoh

satorious: tbh i dont see why sinnoh gets so much hate

semisweet: THANK YOU

satorious: its pretty good

semisweet: IKR AND EVERYONE GETS SO OFFENDED AND ANGRY ABT IT

semisweet: i mean sinnoh remakes are obviously going to happen next

satorious: idk they still havent made pokemon Z

satorious: zygardes game

semisweet: thats bec no one cares about zygarde

semisweet: they gave him a little route in sunmoon

satorious: Hey. I care about Zygarde

shittybu: im not bored anymore bec im sleepy as fuck now

shittybu: So thanks for keeping me mildly entertained but now im going 2 sleep

satorious: its like 9:15

shittybu: i have the soul of an old man

semisweet: me too

shittybu: anyway nightnight losers

satorious: goodnight old man

semisweet: u should sleep too satori

satorious: dont start

semisweet: im just sayin

semisweet: at least get off ur laptop and put it away

satorious: Yeah ok whatever

satorious: ill put my laptop away

satorious: but no promise that ill sleep

semisweet: you'll fall asleep lmao trust me

satorious: night i guess 

semisweet: nightnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im sorry again this wasnt good. still hmu with lovely ideas. im actually planning a legitimate arc now so. Prepare. urselves. also i hope everyone loves better tooru hes a shih tzu puppy. and i jsut needed the shiratorizawa team to have a team dog


	5. had it not been for the laws of this team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reonking: did you make this chat because you want to play matchmaker, satori?  
> satorious: WELL  
> satorious: WHEN U PUT IT LIKE THAT IT SOUNDS STUPID

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello whats up lemme clarify my absence:
> 
> \- i got a boyfriend whom i love  
> \- i went back to college  
> \- and im looking for a job
> 
> not extremely good reasons for why i havent been posting, but it is what it is!!
> 
> i wonder if anyone still cares about this fanfic AHHHH i kinda hope so. i still love shiratorizawa and this fanfic and im excited to get into the first kinda ~arc~ of this chat fic lol. i hope someone out there is still interested in these dorks as much as i am. is there ever gonna be a hq season 4?? i miss all my volleyball boys so much ah. i also accidentally wrote taichis screenname as just 'taichi' like way too many times. im exhausted.
> 
> ive been mainly substaining myself on dangan ronpa these days. i just finished ndrv3 and lemme tell you, that ending was something else. i kinda hated it, kinda loved it. i mostly like to just hc the hq character in a dangan ronpa setting though. ah its super late now, so i think ill go to bed. i hope you enjoy this!

_Tuesday, 2:13 am_

semisweet: good morning evryone i just ahd the most terrifying nigthamre about horses

semisweet: i ws a jockeyr adn the horses s were biglikemonster turcks and htey ran on milkg gasosline and i hadh to ride eone

semisweet: but ti ran outof milk gasoline fhalfway through the racen the horsenstarted biting me

semisweet: fuckhorses mgoing bakc to sleep

 

_Tuesday, 6:30 am_

satorious: semisemi you terrify me beyond belief sometimes

shittybu: good morning to everyone except eita who made me read this shit this early in the morning

semisweet: what the fuck 

semisweet: i literally dont remember writing ANY of that

semisweet: i dont even remember having that dream

shittybu: the worst part is that thats totally not the worst dream you've had

satorious: I KNOW RIGHT I FEEL LIKE ALL HIS DREAMS ARE LIKE ELDRITCH HORROR STORIES

satorious: remember the dream he had about the sentient clothes

semisweet: fuck you that dream was scary

semisweet: dont make me remember it

satorious: i really wanna ride a giant monster truck horse 

satorious: sounds cool

semisweet: no you dont

shittybu: oh wait guys

shittybu: i almost forgot

satorious: ?

shittybu: my aunt came and picked up the puppy last night, and she texted me that he's adjusting well to the new house

semisweet: oh yay

semisweet: im so glad 

satorious: BETTER TOORU IS HAPPY!!!!

shittybu: my aunt says that her and her husband are going to take him for some shots tommorow and buy him a collar and stuff

shittybu: and i convinced them to keep his name better tooru

satorious: YESSSSS

semisweet: wait so are they really gonna get him a name tag that says better tooru hfhgh

shittybu: wellllll theyre just going to print 'tooru' on the name tag

shittybu: the 'better' part is just implied

satorious: still good enough for me

satorious: next time we have a match against seijoh we should bring him and introduce him to their team

satorious: and be like 'HAHA YEAH WE HAVE A TOORU TOO BUT HES WAYYYYY CUTER'

shittybu: my aunt says that better tooru is also only like 5 weeks old and so he's probably gonna need to be bottle fed

semisweet: oh my god my hearttttt

semisweet: im gonna find the people who abandoned him and kill them

satorious: SAME

satorious: hes so fucking small and so fucking brave and so fucking perfect and so fucking cute and I could just go on forever

shittybu: u right

shittybu: maybe he can come visit us soon

shittybu: my aunt also said that one of us should come everyday to take him for walks

semisweet: good idea

semisweet: that way he feels apart of the team

satorious: I VOLUNTEER 

satorious: I WILL BE THE BEST DOG WALKER EVER

shittybu: no way fuck u i was gonna do it

shittybu: the people who found him should be the ones to walk him everyday

satorious: KENJIRO

satorious: HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE LAWS OF THIS TEAM I WOULD HAVE SLAUGHTERED YOU BY NOW

semisweet: why dont we all just take turns everyday then?

semisweet: theres more than enough team members.

satorious: HM...VALID...I SUPPOSE

satorious: switching off seems like a good idea tbh

shittybu: i agree

semisweet: then its settled

semisweet: we will all take turns as a team

satorious: ok but i still call the first walk today

shittybu: thats gonna be a little hard

satorious: what why

satorious: i already called it!!!

shittybu: yeah but im already here walking him so :^)

shittybu:  _File sent.   IMG_794.png_

satorious: OH U BITCH

satorious: ILL GET U FOR THIS

shittybu: hahahahahaha

shittybu: id like to see you try

semisweet: you better be back to the school in time for morning practice

shittybu: shut up u dont control me

semisweet: had it not been for the laws of this land i would have slaughtered you by now

satorious: um i already made that joke this morning

satorious: nice try though

semisweet: gdi

semisweet: its too early for this shit ill see you guys at practice

shittybu: ill finish walking better tooru and be there when i get there :^)

satorious: wipe that smug ass little emoji off this chat

shittybu: make me

satorious: ill hold u to that 

shittybu: :^)

 

Tuesday,  _7:36 PM_

_satorious has added reonking, ushiwaka, taichai, and yamagotchya to 'SUPER SECRET CHAT DONT TELL THE OTHERES OR ILL KILL U'_

taichai: oh no

taichai: another one

yamagotchya: satori WHY

reonking: i have a feeling that there's a bad reason behind this separate chatroom being made....

satorious: :^)

ushiwaka: satori, you forgot to add tsutomu, eita, and kenjiro.

satorious: wakatoshi did u even read the title of the chat

satorious: its a SECRETLY SECRET chat that needs to be kept SUPER SECRET from the others

reonking: oh, dear.

yamagotchya: really

yamagotchya: is it really that serious

taichai: ten bucks says its gay

ushiwaka: a good team never keeps secrets from each other, satori. 

ushiwaka: im going to add the other three right now. 

satorious: NO WAKATOSHSI

satorious: DONTT

satorious: ILL SUCK UR DICK IF YU DONT

ushiwaka: satori. 

satorious: WAKATOSHI OPLS JUST LET ME EXPLAIN FIRST

satorious: AND IF UR STILL NOT GOKAY WITH IT ILL DELETE THE CHAT

satorious: OK

satorious: PLSSSSSS

ushiwaka: fine, satori.

ushiwaka: but if i dont like it, you must delete this chat.

taichai: did ushiwaka just get bribed with a blowjob.

reonking: i believe he did. 

reonking: i thought you were stronger, wakatoshi.

ushiwaka: guys. Please.

taichai: why is it that satori always turns to sucking dick when hes in a pinch

yamagotchya: oh you Know why

yamagotchya: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

taichai: Oh

taichai: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

yamagotchya: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

taichai: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

reonking: oh lord, i just realized eita isnt here to put an end to you two. 

taichai: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

yamagotchya: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

satorious: WERE GETTING OFF TRACK

satorious: okay so

satorious: eita and kenjiro and tsutomu

satorious: they are the reason this chat was made yes

taichai: wow rly

satorious: yes

taichai: amazing. there really are surprises in life.

ushiwaka: i wont partake in any negative gossip involving our friends. 

reonking: is there a kind of gossip that isnt negative?

yamagotchya: OF COURSE THERE IS

reonking: how so?

yamagotchya: well

yamagotchya: i gossip abt u guys all the time

yamagotchya: but its stuff like 'eita was wearing a cute shirt' or 'man taichi has the nicest ass on the team'

reonking: oh.

reonking: i see. i wouldn't really call that gossip.

taichai: do u rly think i have the nicest ass on the team

yamagotchya: yes as a matter of fact i do

taichai: wow

taichai: im legit so honored?? 

satorious: we can literally talk about taichis perfect ass any other time

satorious: let us, focus on this chat, 

satorious: aka LISTEN 2 ME

ushiwaka: i apologize, satori. im listening. 

taichai: sorry step mom

taichai: please, tell us the reason this separate chat was made

satorious: i accept ur apology ushiwaka

satorious: taichi ur apology can go die in a fire

taichai: rude

satorious: anyways

satorious: kenjiro and semisemi and tsutomu 

yamagotchya: yes

reonking: go on. 

satorious: recently.... ive noticed they have been getting... Closer

ushiwaka: elaborate on closer.

satorious: uggggh

satorious: like theyre always hanging out together even outside of practice

satorious: sleeping in each others dorms. doing hw together. being. Chummy.

satorious: u catch my drift

ushiwaka: i suppose i do, but did you make this chat just to tell us they are good friends?

ushiwaka: i think we could all come to that conclusion on our own.

satorious: ushiwaka i love u but pls

satorious: wait

ushiwaka: alright.

satorious: anyway its kinda obvious that those three are gay as fuck as well

yamagotchya: as we all are. 

satorious: its to the point where i thought they had something going on

satorious: but when i asked they all denied it vehemently 

taichai: so what

taichai: theyre not dating???? 

taichai: did u really make a separate chat to just tell us that

yamagotchya: i cant believe satori knows the word vehemently 

reonking: i think i understand whats going on here...

reonking: did you make this chat because you want to play matchmaker, satori?

satorious: WELL

satorious: WHEN U PUT IT LIKE THAT IT SOUNDS STUPID

satorious: i merely want to nudge them in the right direction

taichai: ohhhhhhhhhhh

taichai: i understand now

reonking: i dont know if that's such a good idea, satori. 

reonking: it could go very wrong very fast.

satorious: but reoononoboonnnnnnenennene

satorious: itll be fuuuuunnnnnn

satorious: plus i'd get to partake in my favorite past time(s)

yamagotchya: whats your favorite past time(s)

satorious: messing with tsutomu and pissing off kenjiro

ushiwaka: satori, i can't say i necessarily approve of this. 

ushiwaka: like reon said, it could go wrong. 

satorious: ok i Knoooooow but like.

satorious: ok im gonna get serious here for a moment so

taichai: Oooooo

yamagotchya: im listening

satorious: okay so ive known semisemi since middle school and hes helped me through a LOT of personal shit and like. he can be really really hard on himself especially when it comes to relationships. he would totally never pursue anything unless he had some kind of help bc he literally probably thinks he Doesnt Deserve A Happy Relationship

satorious: and ive only known kenjiro and tsutomu for a few years but kenjiro is super uptight and i know he would never make a first move. and tsutomu is just a naive dummy so like, neither would he

satorious: and i just want them to be together and be happy :( especially semisemi. thats all

taichai: well

taichai: when you put it like that

taichai: i cant help but agree......

reonking: aw, satori. this means a lot to you doesnt it?

satorious: YEAH KIND OF 

satorious: i just want my friends to be happy together

satorious: i want eita to be happy

yamagotchya: so are we gonna help them then?

taichai: im all for it. i think satori is right

reonking: i guess i'm for it as well! as long as nothing gets too crazy. 

ushiwaka: alright, satori.

ushiwaka: we'll help with your 'matchmaking' 

satorious: !!!!!!

satorious: ILY GUYS

ushiwaka: but no one can get hurt. mentally or physically or emotionally. we're a team and a family first.

yamagotchya: this is making me emo i love you guys so much

satorious: OFC id never want any of them to get hurt. we're simply gonna make them ~official~ for sure

taichai: so the team mom is gonna date the team son and the team baby

taichai: that's gotta be illegal somehow

reonking: im glad that we came to an agreement on this but... exactly how do we go about getting them 'official'

satorious: well reon

satorious: im glad you asked :^)

yamagotchya: that smiley face means hes up to no good

ushiwaka: satori, remember what i said

satorious: dont worry!!!

satorious: first things first in matchmaking.... ALWAYS GET PERMISSION!!!!!!!!!!

ushiwaka: oh, i see. i suppose that is a good first step

satorious: IM GLAD YOU AGREE USHIWAKA!!

yamagotchya: so youre just gonna ask them if its okay if you help them right?

satorious: well, yes and no

satorious: WE'RE gonna ask them if its okay

satorious: it'll seem suspicious if it's only me asking them and they might end up finding out

satorious: so three of us are gonna talk to them separately first and find out the Details

reonking: hmmm, i see. 

reonking: i assume you'll be talking to eita then, right satori?

satorious: ofc hes like my best friend

yamagotchya: me and taichi can talk to tsutomu.

reonking: are you sure that's a good idea? you two can tend to get a bit out of hand. 

taichai: yeah but tsutomu trusts hayato a lot

taichai: hayato was one of the people that tsutomu got closest to first. 

reonking: i suppose that's true...

reonking: then i'll talk to kenjiro. he's pretty open about his feelings to me.

satorious: okay perfect!! then everyone has a job

ushiwaka: what about me? I said i would be open to helping

satorious: dont worry ushiwaka, you have the most important job.

satorious: all three of them trust you a lot since youre the team captain so you can report back to us if they speak to you about any of this privately

ushiwaka: oh, i see. then i will do just that and report back with any findings

satorious: OK PERFECT THE PLAN IS IN MOTION

reonking: when should we message them? or talk in person?

satorious: def message them so we can have the chat logs to save

taichai: ok so then lets message them tommorow after practice?

satorious: YEYE

satorious: omg this is all going perfectly so far

yamagotchya: what if they refuse to talk though?

satorious: they wont

satorious: trust me

satorious: they can barely contain their gay feelings as it is

satorious: theyll be dying to spill them to someone

reonking: i suppose thats true. remember everyone, be empathetic, not demanding

taichai: ofc

taichai: empathy is my strong suit

yamagotchya: is it really though

ushiwaka: im glad you all are excited for this, but perhaps we should head to bed now.

ushiwaka: it's getting close to 9, and we have early morning practice.

satorious: plus the sooner we sleep the sooner we MATCHMAKE

reonking: im following ushijima on this.

reonking: good night everyone!

ushiwaka: goodnight, reon.

satorious: GOOD NIGHT!! get lotsa rest for tommorow

yamagotchya: okok me and taichi say goodnight

satorious: wait what

satorious: were you and taichi together the whole time

yamagotchya: yup yup

satorious: gay

yamagotchya: U know it ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comment and leave kudos if you can! feel free to leave any ideas if you want

**Author's Note:**

> btw im so down for you guys sending in ideas and stuff. just nothing like too sexual or kinky. but like i said all shiratorizawa pairings go basically. idc if we're gonna add in other schools but for no keep the pairings shiratorizawa Only Ya feel
> 
> also yes the title of the fanfic is a penguinz0 reference
> 
> o yea my tumblrs @ 03star if u wanna follow
> 
> also pls hit the kudos if u read this and u like this bc. idk. It'd make me smile like a dork if u did


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